I wake up, eyes puffy from last night's silly, petty tears. See, yesterday, Sunday, that was a tough one, and a weird one. Yesterday, I was bursting at my soul's seams. Yesterday, was an army crawl through tall weeds.
Yesterday morning, I was met with another "no" in a series of no's that I really just don't want to accept, or think about, that I really just can't wrap my mind around. Yesterday, on Mother's Day and after a beautiful time of baby dedications, and with convictions of an untrusting, fearful spirit, I found myself pushing through people in my pew and rushing down the aisle out of our sanctuary, tears streaming, and then sitting on a toilet in a stall, sobbing, for nearly the remainder of the service. I couldn't stuff any more. My stuffing got maxed out yesterday. Yesterday, I found myself sitting on the steps of our barn, so sad at the loss of our cat, Sasha. Yesterday, I was overcome by anxiety and loss. Toxic tears were the overflow of that hurt, that disappointment, that grief.
Today, I wake up and my puffy eyes are a reminder of that drowning feeling of yesterday. Today, I wake up and read "in our weakness, He is made perfect" on the bathroom mirror. I take a breath and let that seep in.
After a midmorning appointment, I head to my favorite coffee spot for that famous dark chocolate mocha and journaling. Sitting at the table, I open up those scribbly pages, the ones I've visited after each counseling session. I pull up the iTunes store on my phone and finally download NF's Mansion album, since I have his newer two down by now. I hit shuffle, and take my pen to the pages of my journal. Then, I head home as "I'll Keep On" starting blaring through my speakers. The first verse is halfway through when I start the song over and turn the volume up.
My soul is struck, and I'm strangely comforted. And hope washes over these hands, this heart, this soul.
Thank you, Nate Feuerstein. Your vulnerability and your work are not in vain. The Lord is truly using your story, your hurts, and your gifts, and working through your talents to bring liberation and redemption.
So, let's keep on, shall we?